happy endings
"Why didn't you call me?" he asks, his face tight with the anger he's trying to hold in.
"I wasn't aware I was supposed to."
"You weren't aware? You're having my baby and you weren't aware you had to call me?" His voice rises, leaving behind all the control he was trying to hold on to moment ago.
I try not to flinch as he comes closer, invading my space.
"Do you know how it felt to find out from Jack? To have him accidentally spill the news?"
I sigh loudly, really not wanting to do this. I don't have an answer for him. I can't give him a reason…not one he wants to hear anyway.
"I'm sorry," I say, but I instantly know it's the wrong thing because his eyes grow colder.
He looks at me and I want to look away, but I can't. I can't look away because even in his anger, his eyes are comforting. His presence makes everything okay.
"Were you even planning to tell me?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.
"No," I answer truthfully.
"Why?" He's no longer angry. He seems confused, sad…desperate even.
"It was a one night stand, Drue."
"How can you say that?"
"It's the truth," I tell him, but part of me knows I'm lying. Things between us have never been that plain and simple.
"I loved you…I love you. How can that not mean anything?"
I don't want to cry, but I feel the tears building up behind my eyes before I can stop them. "You don't love me."
He grabs my arm, forcing me to look at him. He holds me close and all I really want to do is lean on him and let him make everything okay again. But it'll never be okay again.
"I was an idiot…I thought…I don't know what I thought." He sighs. "We can make this work, Jen."
"How? You still live in New York, I still live here. We don't do anything but cause each other pain."
"That's not true."
"You're hurting right now, aren't you?" I ask and I don't need him to tell me the answer, I already know. "I did that. I caused that."
"No."
"I'll just hurt you more."
"No. We can make it work. For the baby."
I flinch at his words. "There is no baby," I admit for the first time.
It's the first time I've even said it to myself and the pain of saying those words makes me dizzy. I want to fall. I want to cry. But I don't want him to see. So I stay strong and look right at him.
"What do you mean? Jack said…"
"Jack was wrong," I tell him. "Jack wasn't there." I feel a lump building in my throat as I force the words out. "There was so much blood. It was my fault. I was so stupid. I didn't know…"
The words trail off before I can finish because I can't stop the tears from flowing. I feel him wrap his arms around me tightly and I let the tears escape. They won't stop, even if I wanted them to.
"Jen…I…I love you." His words are a quiet whisper, barely audible over the sound of my sobs, but somehow I know he's telling the truth.
I wanted it to stop. I wanted his baby. But there was so much blood when I woke up that morning. And I knew. I knew that I wasn't meant to have that baby.
I wasn't meant to have the happy ending.
Because Jen Lindley doesn't get happy endings.