it's not waiting if i don't know you're coming
"How was Switzerland?" is the question, but the sentiment is how are you? did you eat? are you planning to stick your finger down your throat later? It carries in the voice of a friend who knows you better than you know yourself.
She ignores the question (the asked and the unasked) for a moment, concentrating on walking along the edge of the pool. She doesn't want to fall in, but maybe a part of her is tempting the Gods to let her slip and drown away all the thoughts swimming in her head.
"Blair..."
She looks up and smiles, though it never quite reaches her eyes.
"Okay. The same," she says, but the best friend's eyes bore into her. She never could do vague when S was around.
"James...Rick...Ben...." She looks away guiltily, the last one bringing up memories of a summer long ago that she would rather forget. When it all began, and ended, or carried on, she's not sure anymore.
"I want it to mean something. But it never does," she sighs, hating them for never being enough, and hating herself for always wanting them to be him.
"You know he should be..."
"Don't tell me, S," she cuts her off, eyes pleading. "I'm not supposed to..." wait for him "...know."
It's easier this way, she thinks. Not knowing, not waiting, not letting her heart break.
But when he appears across the pool none of that seems to matter. She doesn't know when Serena left, or when she even moved, but suddenly here they are, standing in front of each other, the space between them so small, yet it still feels too big to cross.
Their eyes lock, but the words don't come. She doesn't know what to say to him right now. It's been too long. But nothing has really changed.
"Did you even miss me?" he asks in a voice that's not quite him, not quite loud enough, not quite cocky enough.
"No." Liar. It's easier this way.
He pouts, playful, but the sadness in his eyes is something only she would ever recognise. They've been here before.
"Maybe just a little," she says, a half smile appearing on her face.
"That will have to do," he teases, the words lost between their lips. She nods into his kiss. She doesn't want to think about tomorrow, or the future, she knows that he's right; for now, this will have to do.