With Or Without You
She could hear the whispering around her, but she didn't know what was being said, or even who was saying it. It was a distant sound; it didn't belong in her world. Her world was silent. Without him everything seemed silent and still. Life didn't move without him.
How could it? She didn't know how to live in a world without him. She didn't know how he could leave her like this. It wasn't right. He had promised her he would always be there. He promised her he would never leave her.
"Haley…" The voice was closer now, so close that she couldn't ignore it.
"Hmm," she said, because she didn't think she could form an actual word without her voice breaking.
"We're gonna go now." The voice belonged to her ex-husband. The man she had once loved so much. She hadn't seen him in almost four years but he was here now. And if she looked at him she might have seen his eyes carrying the same pain she felt in her heart. "I'll take you home."
"No," she whispered back.
She didn't want to move. Moving would mean acknowledging the fact that life was going on around her and he wasn't there anymore. He was here. Right underneath her feet, buried before her eyes.
"Haley." This time it was Brooke and she took Haley's hands in her own, forcing her to look at her. "Would you like me to stay with you?"
She finally turned and attempted to smile at her friend. "I'll be fine. I just need to…" She gestured to the grave next to her. Brooke nodded in understanding, before moving away and convincing the others that Haley would be okay.
It was silent again and Haley dropped to her knees. She just sat there for a while, it could have been hours, or merely minutes, she didn't really know. It didn't matter anymore.
"Haley," another voice interrupted her silence.
She looked up, trying to focus her eyes on the figure standing in front of her. Tears blocked her vision, and when she finally saw who it was she had to bite back another sob.
"What are you doing?" he asked her.
"Nothing. I'm not…I can’t….not without…"
"You can. You have to."
"You promised me, Luke. You promised me you'd never leave me."
"I won't leave you. But you have to let me go."
"I can't," she choked out the words. "I can't let you go. I'm not ready. Please don't make me."
She closed her eyes then, blocking out the voices, the ones that told her she had to accept this new world without him. Because she couldn't do it.
She wouldn't.
~&~
"So, what did you think of Peyton's new guy? He seemed pretty okay, right?" Haley asked her fiancé as she got ready for bed. He was sitting on their bed, watching her.
"Yeah, he was nice."
"I hope she's as happy as we are," Haley said.
"Yeah," he said, smiling at her softly.
"So, do you want to go and see your mom tomorrow? I know she's been missing you, you haven't visited in a week."
"Haley, you know I can't…"
"You're right," she cut him off quickly, "we're way too busy planning the wedding, maybe in a few days."
She came and lay in the bed beside him, snuggling into his embrace.
"So, I was thinking we could have the reception at the café, you know, nothing big, and the service in that old church that…"
"Haley…"
"Yeah?"
"Get some sleep."
"Oh, uh, okay." She agreed, realising she was rambling.
She held onto his hand as she lay down to sleep. She was almost asleep when she suddenly thought to ask something.
"You'll be here in the morning, right Luke?"
She didn't get an answer as she drifted straight to sleep.
~&~
She was dreaming again, she knew she had to be. Everyone was so sad around her. Everyone was looking at her with pity. It had to be a dream; why else would everyone be so sad? There was nothing to be sad about, in fact everyone should be happy, she was getting married in a few weeks.
"Haley, why don't you eat something?" Peyton said to her as they sat in the café.
"I'm okay," Haley said, her gaze drifting to the door. Where was he?
"Come on, Hales, you have to eat…"
"I'm waiting for Luke," she told Peyton. "We'll eat together."
"Haley," Peyton said, with that voice, the one from her dreams, the sad one. "He's not…"
"You're right," Haley cut her friend off. "He's probably eaten already. Those training sessions can be tough on him."
Peyton got up without saying anything, not that Haley noticed, her gaze was still fixed to the door. What was taking Luke so long?
A few minutes later Karen appeared by her side, but she didn’t look like the normal Karen Haley remembered. This woman looked drained, her eyes were red and her face spoke of a grief words couldn't describe.
"God, Karen, what's the matter?" Haley asked as she noticed her almost mother-in-law. "Did someone upset you? Was it Dan again? Do you want me to call Luke?"
This made Karen break down into tears, and Haley quickly embraced her, muttering soothing words, oblivious to the fact that she was one of the reasons Karen was crying so much.
~&~
Haley was in bed reading when Luke got home. She put her book down and glared at him. "I thought you were going to meet me in the café like five hours ago?"
"You knew I couldn't make it."
"I did?" Haley looked confused. "Oh, okay then. I missed you today. Why did you come home so late?"
"I shouldn't even be here, Hales."
Tears welled up in her eyes, but she didn't know why. "Of course you should. It's still weeks before the wedding, no need to separate us yet. I know you want to be traditional, Luke, but that’s just too much."
"Haley…"
"I'm tired. Let's go to sleep."
She switched off her bedside light and turned to go to sleep; convincing herself that everything was okay.
~*~
Nathan walked into the café the next day to find her behind the counter, smiling as she made some coffee.
"Hey Nate," she greeted with a smile. The smile that once used to light up his life now made him want to cry.
"Haley."
"What can I get ya?" she asked.
"Nothing, I just came to see you," he told her.
"Oh, okay. Is something wrong? It's not Brooke is it? You two are still going strong right?"
Her normal friendly concern for his life, the total focus she put on him, made his heart ache. Why was she behaving like nothing was wrong?
"Yeah, yeah, things are great with me and Brooke," he quickly assured her. "I just wanted to talk, you know, about you."
"Me? I'm fine. Couldn't be better. Wedding planning and all that. I'm kind of enjoying it, planning the thing, since you know, we didn’t do that at our wedding, which I guess worked out fine since…"
"Haley, how can you…" Tears welled up in his eyes as he thought of the pain he had just suffered, and the fact that she was refusing to feel it just made it hurt more. He didn't know how to tell her the truth; he didn't want to be the one to tell her, not again. It had been too hard the first time.
"Nathan, are you okay?" Haley asked, concerned.
"Yes. No… I mean yes, I'm fine Hales. I have to go."
He got up quickly and left tossing a quick goodbye over his shoulder. Haley just shrugged off his weirdness and got back to work.
~*~
"Everyone's been acting really strange, Luke." Haley confided in him that night. "They all seem so sad. No one looks at me anymore."
"Haley, you know why…"
"No," she said quickly. "I don't."
She turned away from him, searching her closet for something to wear, not wanting to face him. He came up behind her and touched her on her shoulder.
"I'm always going to be here, Haley. Always." His voice was supposed to be soothing but she felt the tears in her eyes before she could stop them. "I just can't be here right now."
He let go and she turned, desperately holding on to him.
"I can't do this, Luke. I don't know how."
He held her for a minute, before letting go. "You can, Haley. I believe in you."
He stepped back and she knew he was walking away from her.
"Luke…"
"Promise me you'll keep living, Haley."
"I don't…"
"Promise me."
He stepped forward and lightly brushed his hand over her stomach as he looked her in the eye. She wanted to say she couldn't do it, but something made her agree.
"I promise," Haley said finally, although she wasn't sure that she could fulfil it.
He kissed her then, and he felt so real, like every other kiss she had shared with him, but when he lifted his hand and ran it over her eyes, forcing them closed, she knew he was slipping away from her.
When she opened her eyes again he was gone. But she realised then something she hadn't known before. She lifted her hand to her stomach, and she knew that he was telling the truth, he would still be with her.